How do you say you’re sorry?

When you unintentionally hurt someone how do you get across to them that you are truly sorry?  In today’s world people think flowers, cards, and “I’m sorry” cut it.  The truth is that we say “I’m sorry” far too much.  How many times have you said sorry just to make yourself feel better, even when you may not have been 100% sorry for what you did?  I’m sure most have done this in the past.  And this is where the problem lies.  We say it so much it’s nearly meaningless.  We’ve become desensitized to the word.  The word means nothing because we all know that we over use it, and we know that others are just doing the same to us. 

One of my biggest pet peeves are the people that think $40-50 worth of flowers is going to make it all better.  Again, maybe at some point that was a nice genuine way of saying I’m sorry but today it means nothing.  A physical object isn’t going to fix anything.  This also, in my opinion, takes away the meaning of just giving flowers for the hell of it.  People will assume that because you bought flowers that either you’re in trouble or it’s some Hallmark holiday. 

So, how do you say you’re sorry?

The only true way to say you’re sorry is to learn from what happened and correct past errors that made you feel sorry for your actions in the first place.  This isn’t always the easiest thing to do but it works.  It really is the only way to show that you are truly sorry.  And that’s exactly how it works.  You have to SHOW the person that you are sorry.  This does assume that you didn’t do something so horrible that you never get a second chance to show that person.  In that case the only real option is to say you’re sorry, give them their space,  and learn from your mistakes.

It happens to the best of us.  Things happen and the shit hits the fan.  No matter how hard we try to be perfect, we’re only human.

John

And then she looked at me to scream
My castles are falling
But I can’t look into the street
Without everything changing

I want to read good news, good news
I want to be innocent again
I want to read good news, good news
But nothing good is happening

No more depressing, cryptic, and all together vague entries.  I’m done bitching and complaining and then having to explain over and over.  I just want to keep this one to myself now. 

John

…welcome to my life…

The past few days have been really shitty.  I wasn’t myself, I didn’t want to be social or productive.  I didn’t care about much.  But this morning was earily different.  This morning I felt great.  I felt as if all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, that I just had sitting on my chest the past few days were gone.  I shared them and was happy that I did.  Last night I was slightly irked about what happened, and I really kind of wanted to scream, but then I realized that I did what I could do.  I put everything out there and if that’s not enough frankly I don’t know what would be.

I guess I can’t make anyone accept me, and that’s fine.  I try to do what I think is right but that’s not always possible.  I try to understand but sometimes I don’t and I have to ask for clarification.  I think I’m generally an understanding person.  I look for guidance and thoughts from others regarding who I am.  I like to know what people perceive me as.  It helps me change from the person I am to the person I hope to be.

 I try.  I try.

John

It’s amazing how quickly things can change.  One day everything is going better than it ever has and then the next is the worst you’ve ever had.  You can be laughing and having a great time one day and then the next be sitting at your desk crying and wondering what happened.  One day you finally think you found someone that wants to work through whatever comes your way and the next you find that person giving up.

Yeah, that’s been my week.

So I sit here typing, on the verge of tears, wondering what happened to what I had.  What I had was a wonderful girl.  She was 100% different than anyone else and I knew that.  I loved that about her.  I loved being together.  I really hope she knows that.  Despite what everyone else seems to think about the whole situation I really don’t care what happened.  I want what I had back.  What I had was good.  What we had was great.  I want her to realize this and that this is something that can be worked through.   I don’t care about any of it. 

So I sit here crying, wishing someone would give me the answers I need and time to talk to her.  They say you never really know what you had until it’s gone.  I knew what I had and just wanted it to work.  I never meant for this to happen.  I know that she never meant for this to happen.  It just did and we need to learn from it.  This is not the end of the world.  Giving up isn’t the solution.  Giving up is never the solution.  It hurts too much to think about what could have been if you had only put a little work into the problem. 

John

I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think i’m weak, I think you’re wrong
I think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
Now I’m relaxed, I can’t be sure

I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
I think I’m scared
I think too much
I know it’s wrong, it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone, maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you’re gone, baby you need to come home, oh come home
There’s a little bit of something me
in everything in you

I bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
I think I’m just scared that I know too much
I can’t relate and that’s a problem I’m feeling

If you’re gone, maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you’re gone, baby you need to come home
There’s a little bit of something me
in everything in you

I think you’re so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life and
I think I’m scared
Do I talk too much
I know it’s wrong, it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone, maybe it’s time to come home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you’re gone, hell baby you need to come home
There’s a little bit of something me
in everything in you

How can you just give up?

Just throw away whatever it is you have?

Not care?

How?

John

Why do you have to push me so hard?
you’re pushing me away
I ask, please don’t do this to me
but you’re doing it anyway

And it’s not ok and it’s not alright
You can’t fool me, so don’t even try
And it’s not ok and it’s not alright

I did something stupid.  I did something I’m really not proud of.  I did something I never want to do again.  I hurt the last person I would ever intend to hurt.  Basically I flipped out over something before I knew exactly what had happened and in the process was a real ass about it.  This got me thinking about an earlier post. 

By far the hardest thing to come by in life and yet the easiest thing to lose is trust. I myself am a rather trusting person and like to be thought of as rather tustworthy. When I first meet a person they start off with what in my opinion is a rather high level of trust. I may not trust them with my life or really personal information but there is still an immediate trust created right off the bat. Over time obviously this trust grows and more and more personal and important information can be divulged. The tricky part about this deal is that even the smallest break in that trust, in my book, has the potential to take you all the way back past square one. Whether its stringing me along for $12 on ebay or holding back on what many people would see as an implied agreement, each break in trust, no matte howr insignificant the break may seem, is a giant step backward. To most this will seem quite obvious. I believe that many people feel the same way as I do about this. I say all this, however, because I have realized that breaking my trust is the #1 thing you can do to really get to me. So many other things in life don’t even come close to the power that breaking my trust can have. Not only does it hurt my relationship with the person but it also causes me to think twice about the level of trust I put in people.

Trust really is an amazingly fragile thing.  It only takes the slightest bit to shatter it to pieces.  I don’t do it often but the two biggest times I’ve fucked up are crystal clear in my mind.  One that occurred before the August 4th entry and this.  It hurts, even more so than actually having my trust broken, to know that I broke someone elses trust.   In me the response is of pure shock that I let myself do something so stupid.  This usually bothers the hell out of me to the point where I will either think about it so much I can’t sleep or will be on my mind all day constantly nagging at me.  Funny how the brain that got me into the mess is the same one kicking me in the ass afterwards.  I guess this is how I learn though.  If I really didn’t care about what I did life would move on as normal. Instead a few days get ruined and I feel like shit because of what I did, but I learn from what happened.  And it’s not just me that notices this.  People that know me can tell when something is really on my mind and know when something is wrong. 

In the end I learn from my mistakes and I’m sure to never repeat them again.  Crazy how that trust works.

John

I’ve probably said this before but it’s amazing how songs can just capture a moment perfectly. 

John

I can’t be losing sleep over this, no, I can’t
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours and I’ll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

‘Cause I cannot stand still
I can’t be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head but underneath my feet
‘Cause by tomorrow morning I’ll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

It’s been a while since I’ve gone off on a analogical tangent so here goes.

Life is like…juggling.

Now I’m sure everyone’s at some point heard something along the lines of juggling responsibilities in life or something similar, but I have a slightly different take at this moment in my life.

I believe that life is like juggling in the sense that you really only have a grip one thing at a time.  For a brief instant you have total control over that one object.  You know exactly what you’re about to do with it and where it’s going next.  The others are up in the air.  You hope they come back to you, and you do everything in your power to keep them in constant rotation, but at some point one of those things just isn’t going to hit it’s mark.   Maybe something suddenly changed.   The wind changed directions, you got bumped, you sneezed.  It only takes a little bit to knock off the perfect rotation you once had.  At that point you’re really not sure what will happen.  You can try your best to recover but in the end it may be that you just let everything settle and then pick them up and start again. 

For me it seems that the time between realizing something has gone wrong, and finally knowing if you’ve recovered or have to start over is the longest time.  And I hate it. 

John

Don’t leave this rock unturned
‘Cause you could like what you find
A sure shot hit
With your name attached to it
Will you keep me in mind?
I won’t cast the first stone
Or leave the first mark
But I will leave a lasting impression
You believe what you want
And you said what’s been said
And I do hope you learn a lesson
Ohh, do hope you learn a lesson