What’s my issue?

I don’t really get people.  Nothing new here, sometimes I don’t get myself.  But in my 3+ years of college experience I’ve gotten to know quite a few people and at least some of them I’ve seen change right before my eyes.  Am I saying change is a bad thing? Not at all.  It just seems like some people come to college and try so hard to fit in.  They change who they hang out with and how often they schedule time with them just to fit in.  They go from believing one thing, which may not be the most widely accepted idea, to caving in on their convictions just to fit in.  Sometimes you don’t even have to know someone all that well for all that long to get the feeling they aren’t being who they really are.  Do I know that this feeling I have is 100% correct?  Not at all.  People do change because they want to and they can do so in drastically different ways.  Maybe this is really what they wanted to be. 

What am I trying to say here?

I’m not exactly sure.  I think it boils down to the fact that you have to believe in yourself and only then can you tell where you truly fit in.  If you accept the person you are then it’s going to be hard trying to find where you belong.  No amount of forcefully changing yourself is going to get you there. 

Who am I?

I really am who I want to be.  The convictions that came to college with me will, for the most part, leave with me.  I feel safe saying that the only time any one of them has been changed it has been because I believed in the change and did it because I wanted to.  Others may have indirectly led me to see something differently but no one forced me to be who I am.  To know this makes me happy.

John

it it’s all the same, i’d rather never leave
it feels too good to hear the sounds
and see the sights on Main St
now i swee millions of people just living out their lives
they all say to each other just wait’ll they see me now.

This probably shouldn’t excite me this much but it does.  Today, after over a year and a half, I have been able to log on to my originial AIM screen name.  Finally all my screen names and emails line up again and everything is well.  So, drop off the two and IM me at rayray5884! 

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

John

Maybe I’ve been the problem
Maybe I’m the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I’ve been thinkin’ maybe I’ve been partly cloudy
Maybe I’m the chance of rain
And maybe I’m overcast and maybe
All my luck’s washed down the drain

I’ve been thinkin’ ’bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself

It’s really hard when you have no idea what someone else is thinking. It doesn’t help much when they don’t either I suppose. It’s kind of hard to rationalize your thoughts when you really have no idea what’s going on. I thought I had an idea. I thought I at least knew where I wanted to attempt to get. It just didn’t happen that way I guess. For all those who thought I was just a bit crazy, you’re probably right. It’s ok to be crazy though sometimes. Always airing on the side of caution isn’t going to get you anywhere. I took a chance and thought I could make it work. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t.

Now I have to decide what I want to do. Both choices really suck and leave me wondering. Not doing anything just drives me nuts and gets me frustrated. Maybe sticking it out would yield what I expected. Maybe I’ll just realize that i should have done something sooner. I really have no clue. It really just kind of sucks.

Anyway. Rollerblading isn’t gonna work because its pouring out. So I’m going to bed.

John

oh i have the hardest time resisting you
and oh if you
if you feel the same way then how can we be friends
he’s right you know, we can’t go on like this
and oh i try to give you everything
and if i fail well then i failed
but at least i gave you something

it’s better than silence
give me one good reason
to leave this in silence
no you don’t have a good reason

After having the time to think about this and discuss with a few of my friends, I’m left with mixed emotions.  So many people I’ve heard from were blind sided by this whole thing.  I wasn’t an extremely close friend, and I’m not sure if I really know any of his close friends so I can’t say for sure, but it seems as if no one really saw this coming.  Which begs the question: does anyone ever see it coming? 

So many opportunities to say something.  Anything to anyone at all.  How can life get so bad that you can’t tell even one person that something is bothering you?  I may never understand that concept.  The ultimate cry for attention and at the same time the ultimate sign of selfishness.  On the one hand I’m saddened by the fact that he was unable to let others know what was going on and, in the end, decided to keep that to himself.  He just needed help.  Someone, anyone to tell him that nothing could ever be worth doing this.  On the other hand it baffles me to think how he thought this would solve everything.  He didn’t just take his own life from himself; he took everything he had to offer to his friends and family. 

It’s hard for me to feel sorry for someone that would do something so irrational.  At the same time I know there had to be so much troubling him to actually go through with this and I can’t help but wonder why?

I’m really not sure what to think about this…

John

Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you’re never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I almost feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  Several months ago I had help placing it there and it’s always kind of bothered me that I had a hand in doing that.  You may notice that I’m being vague and cryptic.  It’s what I do and as much as I’d like to be blunt about this matter, don’t look forward to that in this entry. 

Anyway.  There is so much running through my head right now that I’m wide awake and working to keep myself from saying anything rash to the other party involved in the placing of the weight.  Believe me there is plenty that I could say! 

I guess what I really want to say is that it’s one thing to feel bad because you fucked up.  Some things that we do in life will forever remain on our shoulders.  It’s a completely different thing, however, to let someone lead you into thinking that you fucked up just to make themselves feel better

It’s today, with great joy, that I have come to find out that this is indeed what happened.  Ok, so I’m not 110% sure, but I think it’s safe to say that, given my previous suspisions, and recent evidence, it’s more likely than not what really happened.

Yay for not feeling like a complete asshole anymore!  Feel free to celebrate even if you have no idea what I’m talking about!

John

I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I’m right
Swear I knew it all along!

Life is really all about taking risks.  You could just sit on the curb and watch life pass you by and do nothing but you’d be sitting there for quite some time.  Every once and a while you just gotta get up and take a chance.  An opportunity may present itself that will take you to places you’ve never been.  This is really what life is about.  Sure every now and then you may go full circle and end up at the same place you started, but there’s still a story to tell and a lesson learned.   Life is too short to wonder what could have been by just taking a chance.

I think that about somes it up for my thoughts at the moment…

John

And all these stupid silly songs
Keep trying to catch your ear
I’m trying desperately
Its just so hard to persevere
And even if you listened
I never had to much to say
Cause its the same old song
I’m written for the day

Shelter me oh genius words
Just give me strength
Just to pen these things
And give me peace to well her wings
And oh carry on all your minstrels of the world
We will catch our ladies ear
We will win for us the girl 

…and I don’t like it!

Not to sound like a pouting little kid but it’s the truth.  The difference between me and the pouting little kid is the fact that through my existance I’ve come to realize that I won’t always get what I want.  It’s just a little game life plays with you that you come to accept because you have no choice. 

John

Are there no shadows where you are?
I can see everything as day
Problems that you try to hide away
Pushing me aside (You’re pushing me aside)

So I decided that I’ve wanted a zen garden long enough that I should get one.  Now most people would just go buy them.  Not me.  I decided to make a weekend project out of it.  On Saturday night Bill and I went shopping for 2.5 hours looking for all the materials for it.  I then spent the hours from 10-2am that night working on it.  Total spent at this time was 4 hours and probably about $45 on supplies.  It was no where near done.  Sunday saw a redesign in the fountain portion of the garden which began at 2 pm.  For pretty much the entire day I was sitting at the island in the kitchen working on the garden.  During the course of the day I spent another $20 on new supplies for the redesign as well as a few additions.   The project was roughly complete at 11pm today.  That makes for a grand total of 13 hours of work and about $65 worth of supplies to make 1 zen garden to call my own.  Below are the pictures!

John